Whenever I get the 'mean reds' as Holly Golightly would call them - that line always springs to the forefront of my mind. The words of Graham Greene in the novel I read for GCSE back at All Hallows Catholic High School, a suitably religious text with tales of redemption and salvation.
Not sure why I'm feeling so overly miffed, but as work drew to a close I was feeling distinctly BEER O CLOCK - but seeing as it is only day 21 of sobriety that wasn't really an option. The fact it's bootcamp o clock in 12 hours helped aid my decision. So I flounced off to the Arctic temperatures of Wellcome, purchased fine proteins such as chicken and salmon and scallops, alas, by the time I was back on Lamma Island, I did not feel like cooking - so am smoking my Malborough Lights and skyping my brother and his wife to discuss - "Firemangate."
Firemangate emerged last year, when my mother, a spritely 60 something discovered her next door neighbour was a SINGLE man!!! They have been piffing and poffing ever since. Nearly hooking up but not quite. Surreal instances have included her waving to him as the hot air balloon trip my brother, Paul and I bought her for her 60th sailed over his front garden.... Not a euphemism. He came over for dinner last year and made a pass, my mother politely declined. Yesterday, they spent the day wandering through the Welsh hills, bounding over boulders and tripping the light fantastic through waterfalls. Suffice to say, dearest mama is somewhat smitten and apparently the ball is in her court. He says a fling's on the table if she wants one. It's her call. I learnt this through skype... and has suitably unnerved me. I'll get over it, I think sobriety is turning me into a prude. Hell, I'd love to think I could be having affairs with men twenty years my junior when I'm entering my grandmotherly epoch!
Enough of that. Tomorrow is Bootcamp Two. And this time it's personal! Or rather, this time, I know what I'll be expected to do, which makes me ache just imagining.
So here is the line up - as performed last week:
1. Run/jog from entrance of football pitch to helicopter landing and back with partners, if can't run/jog then walk - 5 minutes non stop.
(Yes, we have a helipad, not so glamorous though - it's used primarily for pregnant ladies whose waters suddenly break or those nibbled by snakes - hold up - that is pretty glam - nice! Last week I jogged which is not running, but not walking so I feel OK - I did there and back and there again - so will aim to get back again this time.)
2. Speed Ladder x 3 patterns, everything twice (6 in total min)
(Quite like this one - you do various moves seen in Bend it Like Beckham training, with a nice dash of aerobics ponying and sashaying which I imagine gay pop music too and get through faster)
3. Push-ups (30 secs), opposite arm leg reach (1 minute each leg)
(I managed 10 last week - haha - anticipate reaching the lofty goal of at least 11 this week, having been to yoga twice since so clearly having superior arm strength after all those down dogs)
4. Box jumps off the bleachers, low impact option, step ups (2 minutes)
(I box jumped 'off the bleachers' - hadn't known what they were til now - in layman's terms, bleachers are... wait for it... steps - but jump up a step and down off a step doesn't sound so bootie I suppose, and wouldn't have gone down so well in Navy Seal training)
5. Wheel barrows across the field / hold plank position on hands as long as possible
(THIS is my nemesis. This is what made sure I attended two yoga classes, and practiced bendy things on my roof this week. Wheel barrows are the devil's jism! They are beyond evil. Not only are you expected to support your entire body and walk on your arms, but you suffer the indignity of some poor soul you've only just met holding your ankles and attempting to assist you! The horror. I got half way across the football pitch - the short way. I intend to pass the half way line tomorrow. You will not have me beat Monsieur Wheelbarrow!)
6. 10 Jump Jacks & 5 Burpee Sequence (2 minutes)
(Ick - this is just after the Barrow of Shame and my strength had left the building, or rather walked off the pitch at this juncture. Jumping Jacks? Fine. Just a tad half-hearted. 'Burpees.' WTF!? Leap in the air, as if attempting to sell some sanitary towel product 'Whaaarrrr Body Form, Body Form for yooouuuu!' then on the ground with your legs leaping back then forward. The name is no mystery. I managed 10 Jumping Jacks and a mighty 5 Burpalots. I shall beat that tomorrow. Oh yes I shall...)
7. Speed ladder x 3 patterns, twice round.
(All good - clearly good in a hobbling sense, but compared to wheelbarrows and burpees... ALL good)
8. Vollyball vertical jump drills (20 each) with partner
(Last week, we all had to do 10, as we were shagged, but 10 from a line across the football pitch, where we were to be lay upon the floor, then jump into action, run across pitch and leap up to the 'bleacher' where our partner was holding up their arm so we could high five them... I really don't have the testosterone for this... My knees and elbows are still a tad bruised from flinging myself to the floor and scrabbling up again... wonder how I'll fare tomorrow :) )
9. W pattern - 2 minutes
(By this point, I think I was hallucinating, at least I wasn't on the floor, in the air, a la burpees and volleyball jumps, so went quite smoothly, you do a human W shape, run back, touch floor, run forward, touch floor - I mooched through 11)
10. Running legs in prone plank - 1 minute
(This is clearly NO time to be attempting to support your body weight with your arm muscles, as they have decided to stop working long ago - lord knows what I did here)
11. Shadowing - 2 minutes partner work
(Partner jumps around, you mirror it. Partner was more dedicated than I, so I copied her tricky moves. My turn. I was done at this point, so wiggled my fingers, stretched and twirled... Which was not smart. Dora, Lady Bootie, came over, and BOTH my partner and myself, had to mirror her. She kicked our asses. Lesson learnt :( )
12. Plank wrestling - 1 minute partner work
(I have NO idea what this means, pretty sure I didn't wrestle a plank)
13. Skip rope - 2 minutes
(First minute's OK, second minute, not so great. We decided to count how many times you trip. I managed 9 - which may sound laughable, however, the fact I managed to raise my arms over my head, and jump in the air at all - is pretty impressive. I feel spent having just typed the ordeal!)
And that, my friends... is the 30 minute agility/cardio conditioning BEFORE the ONE HOUR TRX training inside... well fiddley dee! :)
Last week, we were shown around the equipment and practiced a little - here is what cometh tomorrow:
1. FOAM ROLLER S.M.R (15mins) Total postural release, and core activation
(We did this bit. You roll your bits over a giant blue cylinder which resembles the building blocks of the Town Hall in Noddyville - this hurts, but at least you're lying down)
2. T.R.X Total Body Resistance Exercise with BOSU
Legs sequence, squats, lunges (3mins)
(Ow)
Rotation on feet, standing twist release, standing, oblique rotation, high-5 rotations (3mins)
(More high fives... grrrr... whimper)
Pushing sequence (2mins)
(Could be the new falling over sequence)
BOSU standing (static) balance challenge (1)
(Ah, no, THIS will be the falling over sequence)
Supine sequence
(This sounds nice - and maybe to do with wolves - I shan't google it... ignorance is bliss)
Prone sequence
(Hmm)
Side laying sequence (2 minutes each side)
(Ho hum)
TRX Legs jumping challenge (sprinters start, frog jumps, single leg lunge jumps) 6 mins
(hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa)
TRX / BOSU Supine (one leg) challenge - 2mins
(The 'challenge' element doesn't make me happy)
TRX / BOSU Prone (one leg) challenge - 2mins
(Ditto)
TRX / BOSU Side laying (one leg) challenge - 2mins
(Vomit)
The end
Well, I don't feel that 'Hulk will Smash' vibe any longer. The visualisation of such chronic exercise has quite calmed me down... I guess I didn't to find solace at the bottom of a glass, the bootie camp has offered salvation enough.
A to the men.
To sleep, perchance to dream of weightless wheelbarrows
xx
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